A Letter for My Grandpa

Dear Ah Gong,

6th February 2013
In the beginning of the horse year, you leaved me, my dad, us, the world...

I miss you... I miss you so much... Do you know that?

In front of others, I always stay strong. I work, I study, I play, basically I moved on. Seldom cry, do not mean that I had forget about you, it is just me that afraid to reminisce you, which in turn, definitely make me crying within seconds.

Your face, your warmth hands, your voice, your words, none of them I could ever forget, you are so close to me, which it is difficult for me to bear the lost of you in my life. What came into your mind, when you realised that you are leaving us behind? Feeling relieved?

My dearest, do you know how hurt am I when the cancer report came out stating your organs all had infected by the cancerous cells? You are stubborn, never tell us how much you are suffering from the sickness; insisted not to enter the hospitals, is it you that realised you might be leaving us soon, that is the reason why you requested to admit into the hospital?

I felt really bad that I do not aware that the first day of CNY would be the last time I see you in my life. Ah gong, I love  you so much, no matter what others say about you, I only care how do you treat me since I was young, following your back here and there, forcing you to play card games with me. The laughter we had, the advices you gave, your temper (hehe..), all the memories we had while we go for travelling, especially the one that we have in China, back to our origin.

You know what? I m always proud of you, whenever my friends ask about my grandpa. I would happily said, "my grandpa very healthy, still can walk at the age of 80++. He doesn't like dirtiness, always store a packet of tissue in his side pocket of his shirts,  used it to wipe the table (stain/water droplet), the second tissue paper he pull out - he would fold it nicely and wipe his mouth, slow and steady... When he was younger, he has a very strong will, he could stop taking opium when he decided to, no matter how much he need to suffer in the process of getting rid of the addiction."

I am always proud to be born with your surname. Your stubbornness, helped you stay long enough, waited me to come back for CNY, you leave me when I leaved KL.. Dear, you kept your promise for this, it is good enough for me...

You never know how much I wished that you could have the chance to meet my bf or future husband, and tell me whether he matched me... and for now, the last wish from me is that you can enjoy yourself in another world, please guide me through my dream if I had any difficulties, because I  need you, forever.



Sincerely,
Your beloved granddaughter, Ying.

Disagreement......

       Of all things that we had change, something just doesn't change. I am still me, dislike people to assume my thoughts or even say it as if they really know me very well..When I pointed out what I dislike, simply hope that you can notice it and try not to repeat the mistake, and you will be very defensive. Is it really because my way of interrupt you while you were expressing your opinion? or because you felt offended or disrespect from me, which is much more younger than you, telling you not to do so?
   
       Well, I am not intended to do so, if you ever felt disrespect. Can you use some words to soften or put it less "assumption" way, by using the word "I think", "maybe" ? This will be definitely sounds so much better than you start the sentence by "You do this because of .......". Do you really think this way of saying is just purely, simply is your opinion, not assuming? In that case where you sticks to OPINION, I can say nothing much. Telling you that I am not happy with assumption, not to embarrass you, it is just to remind you when you tend to stepping in my red zone.

       Typing out my feelings here is not to stress on how much I disagree with you, or humiliate you. If you happened to read this, please think over again am I being over-reactive or WE can make an adjustment. Not good to assume when you have no idea what I gone through, and as the same goes to I do not understand your life entirely too. It is good sometimes to be careful in speaking. Not to make you to be all-time worry to communicate with me, it is just less hurting me or ruining my day.

       I admitted that I had over-reacted a little which the tones were not too good. Sorry. I do not like it either, to have any argument.  When I mentioned that I do not want to discuss about it, please accept that I do not have the mood to make discussion turn into argument. I am not hanging you there by not giving elaboration. I just need more time to rethink, rephrase and process it of how to explain myself. It is tired if everything needed to be reasoned. I would appreciate much if you able to understand. Not everything has the need to be discussed in detail. 

難過

自從那天后
幾乎每一天我都在掙扎
每一天我都在問自己
真的決定這樣了嗎
確定了嗎


就這樣過了兩三個禮拜
以爲會慢慢變好
有時會擔心
回到了吉隆坡會怎樣
以爲自己好了
沒事了
與朋友笑說沒事
與朋友出去瘋顛

到了今天
這一通電話
再次讓我哭了
問題依舊在

我只是希望你讀了那本書
多少會瞭解我的不可理喻
我的任性     我爲什麽沒耐心
你很堅決的說不！

也許勸你讀一本書來改善我們
只在我看來有用
對你來説    不管用   
因爲問題出現在我身上

你說一路來你一直被我罵
覺得自己無能
都在忍受
你也反問了我
你有沒有罵過我

我很想告訴你
你説話的方式
就足以讓我萬箭穿心
因爲在乎    所以真的痛


我們大家都不了解對方
你的看法=訴説我的錯
我的解釋=對你的辱駡
如果大家再繼續
只會繼續磨損大家的自信心

在外面受了委屈
回到來    我只需要安慰
哪怕一點點就好
靜靜呆在我身邊
讓我知道    我還有你可以靠
可是     在你看來
都很無謂     很幼稚
在我聽來     你只是更深一層
再次把我打入地獄

說真的
我真的不捨
我深深愛過
我真的用心過
也許太在乎是一種問題

就像個巨蟹
我太軟弱
需要支持
當得不到的時候
我堅硬的外殼
會替我反抗

今天有個朋友清唱了一段
I Won't Give Up -- On Us
我崩潰了
有多少次我告訴自己
我要執子之手
但    結果卻是要如此折磨人

衝動

這一次
是我主動說的
是【衝動】吧……

不知道
是為了自信心
還是為了保留你給我的印象

我不敢挽回
不管我如何渴望
你這一個靠岸

今天聽了一首歌
眼淚不經留下來
為何動不動
都會流淚

我知道
我想你了

《沒有你、怎麼辦》

結束

再多的話語
如今只能默默收藏
再多的懷念
如今只能默默品嚐
再多的回憶
如今不知該忘不該忘


三年來的點滴
你輕輕的
拿起一隻不退色的筆
輕鬆的
畫上
【句號】


----The End---

Happy or Sad

Dinner - Claypot Chicken Rice (強記）
Member - CCY, Joann, Will Cheng， HaeJun Oppa， Me

After having a relax dinner, I saw a post shared by Veron.
This is regarding how the Sulu tortured Malaysian Police, cutting of his fingers one by one; cutting off his throat slowly.

The way that police struggle is horrified.
Imagine someone just holding a knife on your neck and front and back "saw".
That is so cruel and eerie. These people are so Not civilised.
Sabah has been one of the state of Malaysia since 1957.
Who are you to claim it while Sabah doesn't recognise you at all?

Waited about an hour for Joann to join us for next round - Happy Hour.
p/s: her car's tyre drop off and to be checked and repaired.

Head on to LIVE at Sutera Utama.
This is our first time here. High stand chair, we chose.
A tower of Asahi is ordered. Here we go...

Basic game of Korean style "alcohol game".
We make very loud noises, yet we are so happy and enjoyed.
We played dices. Shouting for numbers~~
After finishing a Tower, whoa~~ Start to dance... Yeah !
Some movement, as because that is bistro and pub, not a club...
The high moment overrided us, nobody wanna leave that place.

11.30pm, we left. As for the curfew for UTM.
We are still in our excited state, therefore we decided to drive up to Balai cerapan.
The night view are superb as there is the highest spot in UTM
We chat and Joann being Emo.

On the way sending Oppa back, you called.
I picked up telling your I'm driving, and you said you will call next time.
I asked you to wait, and you told me you have no mood to chat.

Broken pieces of glass...
I have so many things to share with you today,
yet those remained silence in me.

千言萬語
化為塵埃
你我    還剩下什麼

Further Apart

時間久了
意見多了
語氣變了

Quarrel, Argument have been getting frequents among us.
In fact, argue over Not very important things.

Am I getting more serious in handling a case, a question or a solution?
Even in casual chat-ing?

What I asked for were simple, answer me or suggest a solution to a problem.
Not necessary to be helpful or the right answer, but please avoid joking.
If I were to be serious in answering, I just need a answer which is related to the question.
Not of joking which where the answer is totally not answering the question.

Both we know it is a joke, is it that I m being too sensitive to the jokes?
Or as you said, you don;t even know when did your jokes becomes not funny anymore as you used to be.

What had changed? We often questioned about it.
Is it me? I assumed it was me.

Please, do not repeatedly saying it is your fault.
It is not because of right and wrong, it is about whether it is appropriate to say something relevant or irrelevant. I am not here to blame on you, to criticize you, but to tell you what I dislike.

I know my tones, my words could be harsh,
this has been my problems as I would raise my voice in explaining to you,
which eventually taken by u as Scolding.
These happens when I m in a rush to do explanation to you.
Impatience is the thing in me when you do not understand what I was about to say.
Then, quarrel over and over again.
When can I put a full stop on this? God knows.

We had gone through a lot. It is difficult for me when our opinion are different.
Here it goes, we are getting further apart without my noticing.

I am so sorry that you are being more afraid than those day and being more careful in doing the talking with me.